“Most of all, differences of opinion are opportunities for learning.” - Terry Tempest Williams
“Let us agree to disagree and leave it at that.” I have said that many times. I have felt exhausted trying to sell my point to the other person, sometimes a friend and sometimes a stranger. To avoid looking like I ran out of points, I register that it is not a good use of my time trying to convince the person. When someone is not open to listen to why they might be wrong, how can I convince them? I should save my energy for other greater things and move on. Or should I?
Recently, I have been thinking about this and what I realized has made me regret my decision to “agree to disagree”. Was I open to rethink and reform my opinions during those conversations? I decided the other person was wrong and wanted to convince them why my stance is better. But did that help anyone? Did I learn anything from it? Fundamentally, was I ready to change my opinions as much as I wanted the other person to change?
Everyone is wrong about something most of the time. The difference between an expert and an amateur is the degree to which they are wrong about their topic of expertise. This realization can help bring the humility required to approach disagreements as an opportunity to learn and update our knowledge to be less wrong than before. Our beliefs form our values, our values shape our behaviors. To evolve and be the person I want to be, I should be able to evolve my values to align with that vision. Then knowing that our beliefs are not always true, we should be ready to let them float instead of trying to build a moat. I believe the single most potent tool to help us evolve from within is our ability to rethink our beliefs.
How often do you rethink your opinions and beliefs when they are challenged? It is not easy to do that. Quoting one of the authorities on the topic of rethinking, Adam Grant, “we favor the comfort of conviction over the discomfort of doubt”. It is easy for us to point out the flaws in other people’s beliefs, but what will be effective is for us to turn that inwards and look for gaps in our own reasoning. To be able to rethink is not to declare that we are wrong but to agree we can learn more and be less wrong. With tiny changes in our mindset, we can all be more receptive to this and I believe the following approaches helped me incorporate rethinking as a habit.
Opinions are not universal truth
Our brain processes a lot of information every second and it always tries to compress the information into patterns that can be generalized. Opinions fit this “abstraction” pattern where our brain can group different instances without having to remember each of them. After a point, we remember “how” we feel about something but not “how” we came to that conclusion. That is why when someone asks me why I only like movies with less than 2 hours runtime, I do not have a strong explanation. Doubt your opinions more often and try to be flexible with it when new information contradicts it. Use those opportunities to strengthen or rectify your opinions than blindly defend them.
Approach to understand
Approach any disagreement with the intention to understand the other person. The person is not their opinion. If we can see that, then we can approach it as a conversation to understand the person first before we understand their opinions. When we listen to what they have to say empathetically, we can identify how to move forward the conversation instead of making them feel stupid and defending our opinions like defending ourselves. Nobody ever lost by listening. Only what you do after listening makes a difference.
Make learning your objective
When you are ready to approach to understand, then seek those disagreements. When you doubt your opinions, you can develop the curiosity to learn about the context behind those opinions. The best way to do that is to challenge your views. Find people who might have opposite beliefs and talk to them with the intention to learn instead of trying to prove. Your objective is to be less wrong, not to prove you are right.
Ask what and how, not why
When you seek such opposing views ask the person to explain how they came to form their opinions and what information will make them change their stance. When you ask someone “why” they believe what they believe, it feels like you are asking them to justify their beliefs. This can push them into defensive mode. But instead, if you seek to understand, knowing how someone’s opinions were formed can help you to address their opinions instead of the person holding them. Seek to understand the person, talk to their opinions.
Use your inner voice to rethink
To be effective in doing the above, you should first be able to address your “how”s on your opinions. Your inner voice is constant and if you learn to channel it then it can be your ally in deciphering yourself. Ask yourself as a third person, “why would Moose like to watch only movies under 2 hours?” When you see yourself from your opinions, it becomes easier to break down your “why”s and ask better questions without feeling defensive.
Opinions have been a useful tool in human evolution. But learning to change those have led to more innovation and betterment of the human species. If faster horses were the answer, Henry Ford would never have made cars. Do not let your opinions define you and be open to rethink your stance by collecting varied information, not just supporting ones. If you agree to disagree, how will you ever learn and be less wrong?
What are you willing to rethink today?
Inspired by the book Think Again by Adam Grant.
